


Tell Me A Secret

by klaivich



Series: One-Shots [2]
Category: Glee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 13:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2470574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klaivich/pseuds/klaivich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When I first joined the Warblers we all wanted to try something that would bring us closer together but the only thing we could think of that wasn’t having a massive orgy was smoking."<br/>Blaine wants them to share this experience together as a newly engaged couple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me A Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: mentions of things that could be triggering - bullying, stress, suicide attempts.

“I know I said we should celebrate the start of a new era for our relationship by being spontaneous and doing something new but sitting in the park in our pyjamas at midnight isn’t exactly what I pictured the thrilling experience to be.”

Kurt sat in front of the biggest tree in the what should be a public park but was just a patch of grass surrounded by trees where the fourteen year old hooligans of Lima would spend their nights chugging alcohol and playing Truth or Dare in the hopes of losing their virginities. Kurt would hate to admit that this particular place held many unforgettable memories for Blaine and himself – it was where Blaine had finally come out of his shell and spoke about his dad and his home life and the problems he faced in the fast. It was where Kurt had whispered tales of his late mother under the moonlight during the summer time when it felt like all they had was time together. It was also the place where Blaine finally felt comfortable enough to give in to Kurt’s hopes of making love outside. Kurt claimed the park was the closest thing to a field of lilac but Blaine knew Kurt had discovered his exhibition kink quite soon after they began letting hands wander below the waist.

Earlier today Kurt had accepted Blaine’s hand in marriage in front of half of Ohio – “ _We both know how much you love big romantic gestures, Kurt”_ – and hadn’t wasted a moment in calling the airport to cancel his flight and order a new ticket for the next day. After hours of congratulations and “finally”s Kurt and his now-fiancé had taken the night off for themselves: two episodes of Project Runway (ones they would have watched together over Skype had they been together), dinner, and three mutual orgasms later, Kurt had suddenly had an idea. Something he and Blaine could do together as a brand new soon (or not so soon, _hello, ninteen_ )-to-be-married couple.

So, here there were late at night, sitting under the stars, hands clasped between them.

 “I haven’t explained what we are going to be doing yet. Patience, my love,” Blaine smirked, something that should have irritated Kurt, but really, who could blame him for being smitten at absolutely everything Blaine did?

Both men gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment before realising what they were doing and ducked their heads, blushing. It was like things had been when they first got together and things were a little scary and incredibly new but felt so right.

“I feel seventeen again - so in love but terrified.” Looking up Kurt saw nothing but admiration and awe in his love’s eyes. This wasn’t old, Blaine had always looked at him this way. From the moment Kurt had confessed his first kiss to _them_ sharing their first kiss as boyfriends to getting though all the hard times (Sebastian, Chandler, Eli, Adam) to a few days previously when Kurt had finally admitted out loud what he had known for months – that he couldn’t be apart from Blaine no matter how hard he tried.

“Well,” Blaine started, in a sarcastic tone, “if you want to act like teenagers again” – _“Blaine, we are teenagers”_ – “I have something we can do together. A new experience to mark this stage in our lives.”

“And that would be?”

To answer the question Blaine reached into the pocket of his hoodie with the teasing slowness only a performer could pull off and pulled out –

“ _Cigarettes?!_ ”

Blaine just continued staring up at Kurt with a smug look that screamed ‘I dare you’.

“Are you trying to tell me that Blaine Devon Anderson - president of half the clubs in school, the person who helps old ladies with their shopping, the boy who refused to sneak into an overs movie with me despite having ID, refused to _suck me off_ in my dad’s house for _months_ – wants to smoke.”

With that Blaine’s cheeks had turned scarlet but, to Kurt’s exasperation, the smirk hadn’t left his face. Blaine ripped the plastic from the box, opened it up and plucked a cigarette from the packet. He twirled it around with his fingers – and Kurt would swear his pulse didn’t pick up at that.

“When I first joined the Warblers we all wanted to try something that would bring us closer together but the only thing we could think of that wasn’t having a massive orgy was smoking. So Nick had his brother buy them and we spent one practice telling each other stories about our lives. That was what made us so close. We had shared secrets and hopes and dreams and fears. We just so happened to do that whilst trying out smoking. And since that experience is so close to me and is the reason I became a lot happier and more self-aware I wanted to share it with you. We have both been through a lot the last few months and our relationship isn’t as strong as it was but I want it to be. So Kurt, the love of my life, will you share this cigarette with me?”

Kurt could actually feel his face softening at Blaine’s words. He knew Blaine had been in a dark place before the Warblers had sung their way into his life and he was thankful that they had all had this chance to get to know one another – even if it did involve something that would risk their health. Being in a glee club himself, Kurt knew exactly who amazing it was to be a part of something where you felt accepted and loved and cared for.

Kurt took the cigarette from Blaine. “Where’s the lighter then?”

This time a lighter was pulled from the pocket and handed over.

“I don’t know why you’re handing it to me, Blaine, I don’t know what to do.”

Kurt was sure it had to be simple enough but right now, hours after getting engaged and only days after reuniting, knowing they only had so much time left before Kurt had to go back to New York, he wanted them to be as close as possible and lighting someone else’s cigarette seemed intimate.

“Okay, when I lift the flame up suck it in as though you’re inhaling.”

Blaine took the lighter back and flicked it open. The way the light looked underneath him, filling his entire face up with brightness – it was beautiful. He looked like one of the stars shining above them. He looked like the angel he had been to Kurt from the second they met – saving him from his nightmares and leading him into a place of hopefulness and courage and a room where a young boy sang about his teenage dream.

Distracted by his partner, Kurt failed to inhale and the cigarette lit up for a moment before dimming.

“Give it to me,” Blaine breathed lightly onto Kurt’s face.

Seeing Blaine light up and take a drag before exhaling the smoke, watching it rise above them, left Kurt feeling breathless. He shouldn’t enjoy this. Smoking could damage your voice, could leave your skin yellow and teeth stained. But he couldn’t stop his pulse racing faster as he saw what was happening in front of him.

They found themselves staring at each other again but this time didn’t turn away. Instead, Kurt moved closer towards Blaine’s face and pecked him on the lips. He stayed close. He knew both of their eyes were dilated – drunk on the adrenaline and love of one another.

He let out a shaky breathe and whispered “tell me a secret.”

He expected Blaine to mention something about their future together, maybe a change in their children’s names. He expected to hear a joke about the crush on Sam Tina had told him about. He expected Blaine to admit to kink they had never explored – bondage, roleplay, breath play…

Nothing could prepare him for what he did hear.

“I was going to kill myself.”

The silence of the dark night surrounded them. Blaine was staring directly into his eyes. He didn’t look ashamed or scared or hurt. He looked as though he had healed. He looked happy.

“Before Dalton?”

“After our break up.”

The blanket of comfort that surrounded the pair made Kurt feel terrified. He shouldn’t feel the warmth and security of love, not when his love was admitting he didn’t want to live anymore.

“I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty. It wasn’t just about our break up. This year was… It was so hard, Kurt. Not because I didn’t have you. It would have been difficult anyway. If we had been together, yes, it would have helped but the way things were going? It would have made everything so stressful.”

Kurt knew what Blaine was saying because he knew it as well. As much as the break up hurt, staying together would have eventually broken them anyway. These months apart had allowed them to grow as separate people and he was thankful for that.

“You know how much I need to please people. My parents, my friends, my _parent’s_ friends, teachers, you… The last few months I have been studying so much because I want to please my parents. But it doesn’t even matter because the grades I do get will be towards applying to performance schools, not law or dentistry or medicine. My parents didn’t care before, for years it’s like I’ve been living alone, but now all of a sudden they are taking an interest, pushing me. And I’ve been trying, but between that and being the leader of glee club and the Cheerios and being the voice of the students and being tormented in the hallways-“

“ _What?”_

“I- I meant that-”

“You’re being bullied?”

“Was. I was being bullied. It- uh, it stopped after the shooting. Obviously people were shaken and scared and didn’t care anymore about small, homosexual, nerds who wears bowties and hair gel and sweater vests.”

“Blaine.”

“Kurt, it was nothing-”

“ _You just said you were going to kill yourself!”_

Silence. Again. Kurt didn’t know if he should be crying or comforting Blaine or shouting, but all he felt was the strange sense of calmness. Everything was still and quiet. Blaine was anchoring him, his deep eyes boring into his keeping him steady. _I should be helping him, he’s the one that was-_

Kurt coughed before breathing, “you were suicidal?”

It came out squeakier then Kurt would have liked but that’s not what he cared about now, not when the love of his life was admitting to something so… painful.

Kurt had forgotten about the cigarette until Blaine pushed it into his hand and grabbed onto his wrist lifting it towards his lips.

“We’re here to bond and we said we would do that through smoking. So far I’m the only one who has taken a draw.”

The smug look was back and this time Kurt was annoyed. The conversation was serious – really serious – and Blaine was acting as though it was nothing.

“Kurt,” Blaine sing-songed his name with a smile.

“Uh- what do I do again?”

“Inhale until you can feel it deep in your throat then blow out.”

Blaine’s voice was sultry and deep and, oh God, Kurt was so in love with this boy, even this new found rebellious streak.

Kurt done what he was told and the moment he felt the smoke reach the back of his throat and burst into fits of coughing and spitting. Blaine was giggling adorably at how unattractive Kurt knew he must have looked in that moment.

“Ew, Blaine! That’s disgusting!”

Blaine shook his head fondly before leaning in for a small kiss.

“You are endearing, Kurt, incredibly so.”

For the third time that night they both stared into each other’s eyes, forgetting everything else around them. There was still silence, everything was still the same, but Blaine’s eyes had darkened, and whether that was out of fear or arousal Kurt didn’t know.

“That sick feeling you have right now in your stomach? I felt like that the whole year. I felt constant dread and worry, and it wasn’t because I was smoking. It was because I was sad. Excluding the obvious, I don’t know why. I wasn’t just upset, crying and feeling regret, I was sick. I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I was so alone and terrified of what I would do if I did get up. But one day I did. Shortly after Valentine’s day I just woke up and forced myself into the bathroom. And I took so many pills. I don’t know who they belonged to, I have no clue what they were. But I took as many as I could and swallowed them. I wanted to die. I begged anyone who would listen to kill me. And I don’t know why.”

Kurt was shaking. It was cold but he had goosebumps. There were no tears, only stillness between the boys. They stared at each other emotionlessly. Then Blaine continued speaking.

“I woke up and hated myself. Not because I had tried to kill myself but because I had survived.”

This was a serious issue, one that they would have to talk about in more detail. Kurt would help Blaine as much as he could and give him all the support and love he deserved. But right now Kurt knew that was not what tonight was for. Blaine had admitted something because he wanted to bring them closer. He wanted things to be like they were before. This wasn’t about regrets and fears, this was about the future for them both.

So when Blaine leaned into Kurt once again and whispered “tell me a secret” Kurt replied with “I love you” something he hadn’t admitted to himself in six months.


End file.
